So many separating fathers have the preconceived notion that it is impossible for them to have majority timesharing with (or physical custody of) their children.

But they couldn’t be more wrong.

More and more separated and divorced dads want, and can and do get to have their children with them most of the time.

According to a recent article, fully fifty (50%) percent of fathers who seek equal or majority timesharing with (physical custody of) their children receive it.

Due to a combination of the recession and social change, the American family has changed … and family courts have adapted to it.

More and more mothers are the primary breadwinners in their families and more and more fathers are the primary caregivers for their children prior to separation.

Applying the same logic that traditionally resulted in awards of custody (primary timesharing) to stay-at-home mothers now results in awards of equal or majority timesharing (physical custody) to fathers … even when the mothers work only because the fathers don’t.

As a result, more than two million mothers do not have majority timesharing with (physical custody of) their children.

Read more in this New York Times piece: More Fathers Are Getting Custody in Divorce and this Working Mother article: Family Focus – Custody Lost.

While most people were enjoying a long Thanksgiving holiday with family last weekend, others weren’t enjoying themselves at all.

Even in Ogden, Utah, police report more complaints on Thanksgiving of domestic violence and disputes over timesharing requiring police intervention.

On a broader scale, the University of California recently analyzed 911 calls and concluded that there were sizable increases in them on certain holidays:

• Thanksgiving – 22%
• Christmas – 17%
• New Year’s Eve – 32%
• July 4th – 28%
• Memorial Day – 30%

 
The UC study also noted an 8% increase in domestic violence on the occasion of a surprise loss in a professional football game.

And the study also noted an 8%-10% increase in domestic violence on “hot days”.

Too much togetherness, too much alcohol, the stress of the holidays and a weak economy all contribute to the above statistics.

Read more in this Salt Lake City, UT KSTU Fox 13 Now news article: Domestic Violence Calls Rise on Thanksgiving.

Opponents of gay marriage in California publicly justify their position as “protecting marriage”.

So, proponents of gay marriage, taking their argument to its logical extreme, are now protesting divorce as a threat to marriage.

A group of such “divorce protesters” actually marched on California’s state capitol a couple of weeks ago to draw attention to their causes.

The “divorce protesters” are doggedly pursuing getting their initiative on the June 2010 ballot.

Just in case, anyone biding their time in California may want to get moving on their divorce before next June …

Read more in this [Sacramento CA] KXTV News 10 article: March to Ban Divorce Lands at State Capitol.

It happens time and again.

Mother and Father move to sunny South Florida from another state.

They’re here for a year or so.

Father loves it here.

Mother is a stay-at-home mother.

Father becomes involved with other women.

Couple breaks up.

Father isn’t particularly involved in Children’s lives prior to the parents’ separation.

Mother has primary timesharing.

Perhaps Father doesn’t help much with financial support for the Children (or Mother). Perhaps he does.

Perhaps Father doesn’t help much with the Children in any respect. Perhaps he does.

Perhaps there was some history of domestic violence in the parents’ relationship. Perhaps not.

Mother yearns for the supporting network of her parents, siblings and extended family back home, where Mother and Father came from a year or so before.

Mother’s old employer has an opening that would be just perfect for her.

Mother tells Father she would like to return back home. Father can see the Children whenever he wants though.

Father balks.

Then Father threatens to go to court. Perhaps Father threatens worse things.

Frightened, overwhelmed, isolated and alone, Mother assembles the Children and flees to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s for a respite from a difficult situation.

Not necessarily with the intent to remain there permanently. Perhaps with it.

But, oh, it’s just so good to have some help with the Children, not to have to pinch every penny like a woman in a precarious situation, not to live among strangers, to be treated nicely, to have a pleasant home environment for the Children, to feel like maybe things could be better tomorrow, and so on.

After a couple of weeks, Mother decides to continue this comparatively idyllic existence for longer.

Mother e-mails Father with her decision.

After all, after the way Father has treated her, who can blame her? Mother thinks to herself.

Actually though, Florida’s family courts can – and often do – blame Mother.

Since 2006, an evolving Florida statute has specified a procedure a parent must follow if that parent wishes to relocate with the parents’ children.

If the other parent objects, the parent hoping to relocate must justify their goal either to the other parent’s or the Florida family court’s satisfaction.

If that parent just takes off with the couple’s children without following the statutorily specified procedure, that parent can be penalized in family court … surprisingly harshly, in fact.

It is hardly ever a good idea to just take off with your Children, even if their other parent knows exactly where you are and how to reach you and the Children.

It is far, far more prudent to follow the statutorily specified procedure if you wish to relocate with your Children.

In the meantime though, you are at liberty to move less than fifty (50) miles away without either the court’s or your ex’s permission.

That at least buys you a margin of safety.

According to a recent study apparently conducted in the UK, one third of children whose parents divorce become estranged from the parent that they do not live with primarily.

The study attributes this to very bitter, hostile divorces taking place under a statutory framework apparently emphasizing blame and competition.

The study reports that the goal of twenty percent of divorcing parents is to make their spouse as miserable as possible – without regard to the impact of their behavior on their children.

Fully half of the studied parents opted to litigate timesharing arrangements “despite knowing it made matters worse for their children”.

As a result of such attitudes and conduct, according to twenty-five percent of the parents participating in the study, their children were so disturbed by their parents’ divorces that the children became self-destructive or even suicidal.

A leading UK law firm thinks the current statutory scheme in the UK needs to change and proposes out-of-court “conflict clinics” for resolving parenting disputes, rather than litigation.

The study was conducted on behalf of that UK law firm.

The study was based on interviews of only two thousand divorced parents and two thousand children of divorce.

The intent behind the study was to “review” the impact of a twenty year old UK statute applicable to child-related issues in divorce.

The study’s conclusions are quite disturbing, but it is not entirely clear whether the study conformed to scientifically sound methodology, including using a statistically significant and random sampling of subjects and ensuring freedom from bias.

It is also unclear whether the study holds any relevance for US statutory schemes regarding parental responsibility and timesharing, and the application of those statutes by judges to families appearing before them.

Read more in this UK Times article: Third of children lose touch with parents after divorce and this UK Daily Mirror article: Divorce kids lose fathers.

Some spouses will be taken completely by surprise and shocked. Others will have been considering divorce themselves for some time. Others will be at various points across the spectrum in between these two extremes.

Your spouse’s reaction will depend on where on the spectrum he or she is currently “at”.

You should wait for a block of quiet, private time, and ensure there will be no interruptions.

Don’t assign blame. Just explain that your marriage is not working any more, but that you want to resolve things amicably and fairly.

After you reveal your decision, do not let yourself be baited into a debate about it, and don’t attempt to defend your decision.

And don’t dive into negotiations. It is too soon. Your spouse needs time to accept and adjust.

Read more in this Psychology Today article: Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce.

There was no reported history of domestic violence in their home during the fifteen years they were married.

Husband didn’t appear like the “violent type”.

But as their relationship fell apart and Wife got involved with another man, Husband started making threats against Wife – and their Children.

Then Husband reportedly began purchasing weapons.

In the end, Husband allegedly shot Wife to death at her job – and injured two of her co-workers. Then Husband killed himself.

The couple’s now-orphaned Children are staying with relatives.

Read more in this [Portland] Oregonian article: Gladstone man’s threats increased through divorce proceedings, wife’s friend says.

Input of financial planners who work with people who are going through divorce produces the following checklist of financial items worth addressing in the divorce but often overlooked:

1. health insurance expenses after the divorce
2. mental health counseling expenses
3. personal credit (without a joint creditor)
4. expenses for hiring third parties to help with tasks your ex used to do
5. expenses of maintaining the marital residence on your own
6. impact of taxes on property distributed to you
7. expenses of getting yourself equipped to return to the workforce
8. increased children’s expenses later on as they mature
9. legal expenses for your future disputes because this may not be the last of them

Read more in this New York Times article: Financial Decisions to Make as You Divorce.

Why do people divorce?

According to a recent study, one reason is that one spouse, specifically the wife, develops a serious illness such as cancer or multiple sclerosis.

The overall divorce rate across the general population, including couples where one of the spouses has cancer, is 11.6 percent.

But, among married couples where the wife is seriously ill, the divorce rate rockets to a whopping 20.8 percent.

By contrast, amoung married couples where the husband is seriously ill, their divorce rate plunges to 2.9 percent.

Serously ill women are more likely to become divorced or separated than their seriously ill male counterparts – on the order of six times.

According to the study, older seriously ill women were more likely to be left than younger women, and shorter marriages were more likely to crumble than longer marriages when the wife became seriously ill.

The study concludes that men are reportedly less able to adapt to the role of caregiver than women.

Read more in this Reuters article: Men more likely than women to leave partner with cancer

Allegedly abusive American Husband goes to China in 2007 to teach English, leaving behind in New York his undocumented Mexican immigrant Wife and their Baby.

Later, Husband contacts Wife and invites her and two year old Baby to China to reconcile.

Within a day of Wife’s and Baby’s arrival, Husband reportedly disappears with Baby. Husband takes up with Chinese Girlfriend.

Husband leaves Baby with a babysitter and fails to pick her up. Baby ends up in a Chinese orphanage. After Husband allegedly abducts her.

Wife and Mexican Embassy official show up where Husband is staying. Husband goes after them both with knives, but is not prosecuted in China.

Wife obtains a New York State court order, awarding her sole custody of Baby.

China is not a party to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and does not recognize foreign child custody orders.

Wife obtains a US visa by virtue of being a victim of domestic violence. Husband is deported from China.

Warrant is issued in US and Husband is arrested by US federal authorities for international parental kidnapping.

A combination of US nonprofit agency attorneys, private attorneys, Chinese private investigators, the Mexican consulate in China, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the US State Department, and Wife’s resourcefulness, initiative and determination culminated in Wife finding Baby, abandoned in the Chinese orphanage.

Read more in this New York Times article: Family Fights Odds, Retrieving Kidnapped Girl.